My New Friend - A Cesarean Scar

On Friday, March 22, at 10:30am I felt my first contraction. The moment I was waiting for 9 months finally arrived – the start of labor!

Since losing Sage (my daughter) four years ago, one of my dreams was to have a homebirth. And, with this pregnancy I called in the assistance that I felt would help me through this amazing portal.

I called upon one of my blood sisters, MaryAnngeline, who runs retreats with me, to be my grounded anchor.

I called on one of my soul sisters, Alaya, who has helped me heal throughout the years, to be my birth doula.

I called on one of my shamanic sisters, Maìra, who held me during the journey with Sage, to be my midwife.

My partner, Andoni, was still in Greece and we knew he couldn ‘t be here for the birth, so it was just going to be me and my birth team at home.

As the contractions progressed on Friday, my birth team and I were all getting ready to get into the thick of the birthing portal as my labor continued into the night.

I turned inward. I laid down to conserve my energy and through the intensity of every contraction guided oxytocin down my body to be able to deal with the pain in my hips.

That night, without even saying anything to Mary Ann, whenever I would need to hold her hand she was just there. I would squeeze, breathe and focus.

But, alas, into the morning this went, and there was no transition.

Maìra told me once the sun comes up labor goes one of two ways, increases or slows down/stops. Mine pretty much stopped. I went about the day without any contractions.

Then, sundown, the contractions picked up again. This time more intense, and way more pain now, in my right hip specifically. As my birth team was helping guide me, encourage me and support me, the pain in my hip kept growing.  

At a certain point that night, Maìra reminded me ‘what I resist, persists”. And, immediately, I had my first psychic vision (when I’m pregnant my psychic visions stop so I can channel just for the baby).

The vision was of me having a c-section! I was SHOCKED and immediately disregarded this vision.

I didn’t say anything to anyone because I didn’t want it to be true. So, we kept going into the night and the next morning. The same thing happened. Sun came up, and labor seemed to stop.

Sun down, contractions commenced, again.

And, now, the pain in my right hip every contraction became excruciating.

Alaya channeled her healing energy to help me heal the pain, and I had relief for a while, but then it came back. And, that’s when I knew this pain was something deeper than energetic/psychological pain.

The fact that I couldn’t find relief from the spot in my body, on a deep level, I knew I couldn’t relax my pelvic bowl to open for the baby to descend.

Out of nowhere, I told my birth team that I want to go to the hospital. And, that’s what we did…after 3 days and 3 nights of laboring at home, I went to the hospital to get an epidural.

All I wanted was to get relief from the pain so that I could birth my baby and the placenta naturally.

But, Spirit and the baby had different plans.

The first epidural I received did not help decrease the pain of my right hip because it was not put in properly. After about 15 hours of laboring with an incorrect epidural, I was screaming from the pain and I was telling them to give me a cesarean because I couldn’t endure the pain anymore. Finally, the hospital team believed me and gave me a new epidural.

 Relief. Finally.

I was able to sleep for a couple hours. But, during this whole time at the hospital, I had made no progress. 5 cm every time I was checked. After sleeping a few hours and feeling more relaxed in my right hip, I thought for sure I would be at least 6cm…the look on the doctor’s face said it all, 5cm still.

That wasn’t even the problem, because the hospital was completely on my side with my birth plan and everything that I advocated for. The problem was Dimitri’s heartbeat kept dropping.

Every time the nurse came to increase the medication to start contractions again, his heartbeat would drop.

Intuitively, I knew it was him knowing what was happening and it felt like he was doing it to get me to go in the direction of the cessarean. But, I didn’t want that.

But, when his heartbeat dropped to 40 bpm, I knew it was time to surrender completely what I wanted and get him out.

So, away we went into surgery.

If it wasn’t for my sister, Mary Ann, holding my shoulders and breathing with me in surgery, I don’t know how I would have gone through it without freaking out.

It’s intense.

And, it’s not what I wanted, per se, but it also gave me what I wanted, my baby in my arms.

Hearing the doctor say “look at all that hair”, and then to hear his little cry was the best feeling!

He made it at 5am on Tuesday morning!

So, for me, as I am slowly recovering and finally started to move easier, I am developing a new relationship with my cesarean scar.

Even as I’ve started to do physical asana, I am realizing the gift of the scar.

The birth portal that was created to bring Dimitri here is my new friend.  

In shamanism, I would consider the scar my ally. She assisted in this most sacred rite of passage that I know in my heart had to be the way it all unfolded for reasons that I may never truly understand. Because I wasn’t the only one involved in the process. It was Dimitri’s process just as much as my own. For whatever reason/s, I truly know in my heart this is how he wanted to be born.

So, I thank my new friend and ally for one of the most sacred experiences I’ve ever had.