The Social Mirror: How Your Life Shapes Your Identity
Have you ever wondered why you act differently around different people?
Or why certain traits in others trigger a strong reaction in you?
Our identity is not a fixed thing—it shifts based on who we're with, how we think we're perceived, and what we subconsciously project. Social psychology, ancient Japanese philosophy, and shamanic wisdom all offer powerful insights into how we construct and refine our sense of self.
Identity as a Performance
Sociologist Erving Goffman introduced the idea that life is like a stage, and we are all performers playing different roles depending on the social setting. His Presentation of Self in Everyday Life theory suggests that we have a front stage—our public persona where we carefully manage impressions—and a backstage—where we are more relaxed and authentic with those closest to us.
This aligns perfectly with the Japanese Three Faces Theory, which states that we all have three selves:
The Public Face – The version of ourselves we show the world, shaped by societal expectations.
The Private Face – The self we reveal only to close friends and family, more genuine but still filtered.
The True Face – The self we keep hidden, known only to us, where our deepest thoughts and emotions reside.
Both Goffman and Japanese wisdom suggest that identity is fluid, not fixed. Who we are depends on our surroundings, the roles we play, and the level of intimacy we share with others. Rather than a single, unchanging self, we are dynamic beings navigating multiple versions of our identity. So, be very mindful with whom you associate with, spend time with and the environments you place yourself in because this all has a very significant influence on your True Self.
Seeing Ourselves Through Others
If Goffman’s theory explains the roles we play, Charles Cooley’s Looking Glass Self explains how we develop our self-image based on how we think others see us. He argued that our identity is shaped in three steps:
We imagine how others perceive us.
We interpret their reactions.
We develop our self-concept based on those interpretations.
Interestingly, this reflects an ancient Shamanic principle often summed up as: “If I spot it, I got it.” This teaching suggests that what we notice in others—whether a quality we admire or a trait we dislike—is actually a mirror reflecting something within us. If someone’s confidence inspires you, perhaps you are being called to embrace your own power. If someone’s arrogance frustrates you, it may be highlighting a part of yourself that seeks validation.
Both Cooley’s Looking Glass Self and the Shamanic Mirror suggest that self-awareness comes from our interactions with others. We are constantly reflecting and absorbing, projecting and perceiving. When we understand this, we can become more intentional about how we shape our identity and how we interpret the world around us.
Identity as a Dance Between Self and Society
The combination of these perspectives paints a fascinating picture:
Goffman and the Japanese Three Faces Theory show us that identity is a performance, shifting depending on our audience.
Cooley and Shamanic Wisdom reveal that our self-perception is a reflection of the way we interpret others’ reactions and behaviors.
Understanding these frameworks can be transformative. Instead of feeling trapped by a singular identity, we can embrace the fluidity of who we are. We can step into different roles with awareness, recognize the mirrors that others provide us, and ultimately grow into the most authentic version of ourselves - The True Self.
Reflection Questions:
How do your front stage and backstage selves differ in daily life?
What patterns do you notice in how others respond to you?
What qualities in others trigger a strong reaction in you—and what might that reveal about your own journey?
By exploring these questions, we begin to see that identity is not something we find but something we create—a dance between our inner world and the reflections we see in others. The more we embrace this, the more empowered we become in shaping our own story.